The Hartford County Diet: A Nutmegger’s Life Changing, One-Step, Surefire Guaranteed Weight-Loss Plan For The New Millennium

By
Christopher J. Gay

FOREWORD

This tract was conceived for two simple reasons; to make myself lots of money and to help people.The order in which these two objectives occur is relatively inconsequential to me.The notion of the self-help book has been around for decades.Just in the last little while we’ve been inundated with the likes of The South Beach Diet, The Atkins Diet and their constantly multiplying cousins.While these diet plans and others may be somewhat effective at first,they are,in fact, nothing morning than glorified temporary shortcuts.And not the beneficial kind, such as an alternate route to grandma’s house.These shortcuts most often fail in the end for the same reason that changing your persona for first a date ultimately
does.No matter how hard your attempt to maintain being someone you’re
not, nor how much you try to maintain a gimmick diet, it’s extremely difficult not to revert back to your true self.And in the case of food, your prior and established eating habits.Sorry,but in dating,you might as well be yourself and hope she falls for the real you.As then,she won’t be surprised when three month’s later you still are who you were when she met you. With food, you might as well eat what you like and be happy.So, you ask,“How do I eat what I want then and still lose weight, Chris?" This is a very good question.It is also one that will be easily answered in the following page with great accuracy.No reputable doctor will,nor could,refute the basic elements of it.If followed correctly, you can
absolutely eat anything you could ever want and still lose weight.What’s better,you can maintain it as well for life.No more horrific rice cakes or chalky energy bars.Unless,of course,you enjoy those things.Hey, some people like black licorice,so;to each his or her own,I guess.If,at the conclusion of your reading,you wonder why you paid good money for the self-evident,please bear this in mind:professional comedians get paid, some quite handsomely,for pointing out the obvious in every day things.What makes you laugh is that they assist you with seeing common, everyday happenstances in a new light.What you shouldn’t forget though, is that not only are they obvious, they're true.Why should you buy this then when you can simply read it in a typical wait on line in a grocery store
check out line?For one,I would appreciate the money,and two,think of
it as a reference guide for your life’s path should you ever consider
straying back to one of those One-Trick Pony diet plans.I also beg you
to compare the price of such a overpriced tome with the one you are
currently holding.Go ahead, flip it over and check out the cover price.
I’ll wait.Ok,you’re back?Good.See what I mean?This book is the
bargain of a lifetime!Especially after you see the good things that are
sure to be in store for you after you implement this dietary change into
your life.Good luck to you,Reader,and God bless Capitalism.


Chapter 1



The first and only step to consistent and enduring
weight loss is simply the following:

1) Burn off more calories than you consume.


EPILOGUE

Well,now you know.That’s all there is to it. It is mathematically
impossible to gain weight if your various activities cause you to expend
more calories than you take in.It’s quite foolproof!But I do feel compelled to add this little tidbit.I’m certainly no doctor, but I am guessing that if you asked one, he or she’d recommend eating the proper amounts of fruits and vegetables, less junk food,and Blah, blah, blah. There,I’m glad to get that out of the way. That debate can be a subject for the sequel.This book only concerns itself with the weight loss aspect of dieting.I mean, who am I to judge you?Especially since typically the only time I’m eating fruit is when it’s on the inside of a Pop-Tart.So, if you want to eat a cheese danish with lemonade three meals a day, go ahead. But although that can work for you,I would think a through a bit first. Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice; suck on your favorite hard candy to get you from breakfast to dinner.If you work in an office where every single person there seems to have a bowl of mini chocolate bars on their desk, don’t eat them.Keep a large,ice filled cup of water by
your side.Ice tends to be significantly low in calories.And although
your dentist may discourage this particular practice, well, I’m not a
dentist either so it makes me no never mind. Add a lot more lettuce to your
sandwich than cheese.More filling, yet less calories ;) Ice berg lettuce
gets a bad rap, incidentally.It’s called the “junk food” of vegetables.
But it’s essentially green, solidified water, so how bad can it be?Unless
you’re allergic to it, in which case all bets are off.Also; go to bed
earlier or wake up later, as it’s difficult to eat while sleeping.Don’t
buy excess sweets.If it’s not in your house, you can’t eat it without
going out to get it, and at least then you’ll burn off what it takes to
walk to and from the car.Sing in the shower, twiddle your thumbs.If you
order a pizza, share it.You can’t eat what’s not there.If you manage to
change your eating habits enough to make a real difference, who knows? You
may end up as an annoying spokesman for a national submarine sandwich
chain.But hey, if you do, don’t worry what others think as long as the
check clears.And if your going to eat cake, eat a cake with real
frosting; not one with the horrifying bettercreme.I mean, people drink a
lot of diet soda, so I can see that.But how much cake do you really eat?
If you learn one thing and one thing only from this book, please, please
let it be that life is far too short for bettercreme frosting.Ok, here’s
the last thing: Some habits are good.If you can hang on to this
mathematical solution long enough to make eating less a habit,it will then
become routine.Oh,and don’t eat when you’re not hungry.You know which
one of you I’m talking to here.I mean it.Here’s a formula to cut out and paste on your refrigerator.Not Hungry =No Eating.Stop it!And while you're at it, pay no attention to my blatant hypocrisy.Well,that’s it.Off you go.
-Chris Gay

A Valentine's Day poem

Affairs of the heart, how they change on the fly,

Some days you're in Love, some days you could cry,

As we all go ‘round once, in this world, You and I.

And no one escapes, no person immune,

To those moments in life that your heart makes you swoon.

Its at times mutual, others times unrequited,

And at times a new love can get you all excited.

Is heartbreak worse for men? I guess I'd say so,

Though I've been only a man, so I really don't know.

One thing I will say, 'fore this poem drags for miles,

The last word on Love, belongs to J. Geils.

-Chris Gay

Top 10 Reasons Americans Don't Like Soccer

10) "Injuries" sustained during play are more fake than the ones the actors treat on the set of "ER" 9) Concept of game clock running up simply too difficult to grasp 8) Have trouble with the English translation of "Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooallllllllllllll!" 7) A 1-0 deficit in the 4th minute nearly insurmountable 6) After a bad call, chants of "kill the ref" are not necessarily facetious 5) Color-blind Americans can't tell the difference between yellow and red cards 4) No Designated Hitter 3) The goal isn't quite big enough 2) Penalty kicks simply too difficult to make 1) Please, somebody, just pick up the freakin' ball -Chris Gay